Friday, 20 May 2016

Losing Someone You Love

I put my blog on hold for a while to sort out some life things, and I hated every minute I was away. I can't wait to have the time to sit down, and read some of my favourite blogs again. I'm sorry for my absence, but hopefully it leads to bigger and better stuff. Also, having a 9-5 job is exhausting. I have a bit of an emotional post today, as it's the first anniversary of my grandfathers death. Although it was upsetting to talk about, I smiled thinking of him, and hope it helps anyone who is currently going through the loss of a loved one.

Exactly one year ago, I got the horrible news that my grandfather was admitted to the hospital, and he wasn't going to make it. Before this, I never knew was loss felt like. I would always look at friends or family who lost someone close to them, and think, "I don't know how they're coping. If I were to ever lose someone close to me, I would be a complete mess". It wasn't until my Papa passed away, when I realized how people were able to hold themselves together. I'm having a really down day, so I thought I'd write a little something in honour of him, and talk about what losing someone close to you is really like.

To give a little background information, my Papa was an extremely healthy guy. He had the energy of a 20 year old. He and most of my moms side of the family live in Ireland, but I was so blessed that I was able to see him so often. Even growing up in a different country, I they've always felt like a huge part of my life. He was also the friendliest person I have ever met. He was so funny, and always made sure the people around him were smiling. One of my favourite memories was my last dinner with him. My Papa, Nana, sister and I ate dinner, drank wine and laughed a lot. There were tears rolling down my face, it was a great night. This was during a trip my sister and I took to Ireland. Weirdly enough, before this vacation, my sister had the random urge to go to Ireland. No specific reason, she just felt the need to, and asked me to come. We had no idea that he would pass away the next month, and that would be our last time seeing him. I'm so happy I had that time with him.

Last year, I went to bed excited that my grandparents were going to be landing the next day. They came to Canada for my cousins confirmation, and my sister's 21st (turning 21 is a huge thing in Ireland). I specifically remember looking at the broken handle on my closet, thinking that it would be fixed again for the hundredth time tomorrow. This handle always broke, and my Papa would frustratingly fix is every time he was in Canada.

Long story short, they didn't come to visit. We got a horrible call that morning. It's a really upsetting story, so I won't go into too much detail, but we didn't think this would happen anytime soon. The weird thing is, I didn't feel anything at all. I was in shock, and completely numb. It wasn't until I called my boyfriend to tell him the news that I cried so hard, I couldn't speak. I think it was something about saying it out loud, that's when it became real to me. The whole day was weird. I spent it looking at photos at him, laughing at some, and crying at the others. The best word I can think to describe the whole day was weird. The fact that he was gone was just so odd.

I got so many kind messages. That's when I realized who matters. There were people I haven't talked to in years that sent me their condolences, when people I'd see every day didn't say anything. Horrible situation, but that's how I saw who truly cared about me. I still look back and read what people had said, it's really comforting.

He loved James Bond and Elvis, that's what everyone associated him with. Flowers my aunt & uncle got for his grave.

The next day, we flew to Ireland. People I didn't even know came up to me to tell me how amazing my grandfather was to them. Everything was so busy around the time of the funeral. We were all so distracted by each other in Ireland, that when we got home, things started to go to shit. I used to cry every night. I kept thinking that I'd never be able to get over it, and I missed him so much, and still do.We had a huge party planned for his birthday that year. We already had the band, and the venue booked. It was so disappointing to have to cancel it.

I remember a little over a month after the funeral, the night before his birthday, I decided to listen to some Elvis (he was a huge fan). Jailhouse Rock came on, and I immediately started bawling. I completely forgot that we danced to this song years ago until I heard it. That night was pretty rough for me, but then I had a dream about him. I got to talk to him and hug him. It's crazy how real that felt. Depending on your beliefs, you might think that what I'm saying is so odd, but I truly believe that was him visiting me. The hug and conversation was so familiar and comforting.

I hated when people would tell me it would get easier, especially if they haven't lost someone before, because it just didn't feel like it. The best piece of advice that I got was that it won't, but sad thoughts would be replaced with happy memories, and thinking of him would make me smile rather than cry.

As for now, it's easier to deal with, but still very difficult. One year later, and I still send him a message on WhatsApp once in a while, and cry whenever I hear an Elvis song. Some weeks will he really hard, but others I will smile at the memories we have had together. What upsets me the most is thinking about how he is right now. He was someone who really enjoyed life, and I just hope he's okay. I'm more sensitive to death in movies, and get a little upset when I open my closet to see one of his shirts that I took home with me after the funeral. Him and my Nana bought me a beautiful Claddagh for my 18th birthday that I wear everyday, so I always have a piece of him with me.

If you have recently lost a loved one, I know the last thing you want to hear is that it will get easier, but it does in a way. Of course thinking about their absence will upset you, but you will learn to smile at memories. I'm not going to lie, I still find it hard to believe that he's not with us anymore, but I'm so grateful to have someone as amazing as him in my life.

One thing I want you to take away from this post is to always show appreciation to who you have in your life. You never know what could happen. None of us thought he'd be leaving us so soon. One night we're expecting him to fly over from Ireland, and the next day he unfortunately passed away. Never take anyone for granted, everything can change in a matter of seconds. Also, make sure the people who love you know you appreciate them. Do kind things for them, and never fail to make them feel loved back.


  1. Having lost a grandparent too, I loved this post Megan! The memories are always what keeps us going, and I think it's great to look back and laugh at the happy, but also give yourself time to grieve as well. I think people need to know that it's ok to let your emotions out and cry sometimes. And anyone we've lost is always watching over us <3

  2. Thanks Emily! It's definitely okay to have a little down time, and I think we all forget that.

  3. It's very brave to share your story. It's great that you can look back a year on and remember the happy memories rather than mourn his loss. Such a wonderful post xx

  4. I lost my grandad last year and can relate to how sad it is when thoughts suddenly pop into your head eg. how they'd commented on a certain piece of artwork on your wall - the memory lives on. The positive to this, is that because the memory lives on, you always have a part of them with you in some way or another :) I'm pleased to hear you have so many people around you offering support and kindness Megan :)

    1. I'm happy you can relate! It definitely does come out of nowhere sometimes, but we absolutely have to be thankful for the memories. <3

  5. I can relate too. I am so sorry for your loss. He must have been so happy to have such love around him. He sounds like a great person!

  6. Inspiring! I like your last paragraph. This brings me back to three years ago when my Granpa passed away. It was a really hard time for me. I was really upset and literally had an emotional meltdown. I went MIA, thinking that that way I can ignore reality. But anyway, skipping the sad part, I now learnt to appreciate people around me more. Didn't people always say, no pain, no gain?

    Chlariss | Silent Dances And Glasses